7-11 Has the Munchies
Shrimp crackers, uni chips, and "American" Pringles will have you reaching for the bong.
Savory Snacks at 7-11
This week 7-11 is releasing a slew of outstanding snacks, starting with these shrimp chips. The packaging is clever and stunning. They’ve convincingly mimicked a shrimp’s body with a closeup of the cracker. I can almost smell shellfish just looking at it.
Like everything great in Japan the name begins with “The”. This marketing team has gone a brave step further by using the kanji for “shrimp” 海老 (pronounced “ebi”). Therefore, we have crackers named “The Shrimp”.
Keeping with the seafood theme 7-11 is also releasing uni or sea urchin-flavored chips. Uni is famous for its creamy richness. It’s like the sea bottled up in a softened pat of butter. The first taste of it is alarming because there’s nothing quite like it. For most, the surprise quickly gives way to joy. Fresh uni is a real treat.
I hardly believe these chips will taste anything like it. For one, there’s likely more uni in the pond near by apartment than on those chips — which is to say none. And they’ve clearly skimped on the artificial flavor they engineered in the lab. Look at those chips on the right! They have no color, especially compared to the spray-tanned Trump-look-a-likes on the bag.
Let’s look at one final seafood item — Chitara. In the parlance of today’s youth, this is a problematic snack. Chitara is a highly processed stick of cod — yes, the fish. And they’ve seasoned them not with pizza flavor, but pizza-flavor-potato-chip flavor. They’re nesting flavors! I’m sure there’s an Excel formula that can help unravel this.
For those unable to read Japanese the American flag offers a swell hint of this Pringles flavor. Could it be…hot dog? Barbecue? Close! It’s cheeseburger. Yes, this is what Japan thinks of America — we’re all fat and stuffing ourselves with cheeseburgers. In other words, quite accurate.
Meet smoked cheese edamame. Putting aside that this flavor is an abomination, the promise of the bag does not match the reality of its contents. An overflowing, foamy beer with edamame and smoked cheese piled high! Yes, I’ll take that while stumbling through 7-11 two beers into the evening. But the joy experienced during a drunken shopping stupor will quickly evaporate once you’re staring down at a pale pile of weird green sticks on a paper plate. The bag says “Life is worth living”, while its insides say, “No, it is not.”
Are you kidding me with this shit? How cute are these motherfuckers? They’ve cut panda faces into cookies. And if you look closely, some are laughing, some are screaming, and some are surprised.
How many acid trips does it take to make this Country Ma’am cookie cover? Let’s break this down. We’ve got a stoned, anthropomorphized cookie that’s riding a banana boat in a sea of chocolate on its way to a tiny island with a banana tree.
Stunning.
7-11 must have had some ripe bananas lying around because they’re also cranking out these mochi truffles stuffed with banana cream. Mochi is pounded rice that’s soft and chewy. Dusted with cocoa powder and jacked up with banana sauce, these are sure to please.
Though not from 7-11, this pork tongue stick is a worthy mention. Beef tongue is hugely popular in Japan. Sendai Prefecture is particularly famous for it. For the squeamish, it’s worth traversing through your fears because the texture is tender and the flavor is lovely, especially grilled. But I have never seen pork tongue! Shrink-wrapped and shaped like a perfect turd, it offers little curb appeal.
FamilyMart Sweets
Lawson’s Uchi Café brand is the undisputed champion of conbini sweets. However, FamilyMart has been dishing some hot and sexy items the past couple of months.
We welcome back Country Ma’am with this delightful-looking chocolate chip cookie bread sandwich stuffed with whipped cream. Give me a glass of a milk and this $17,000 Neorest Toto Toilet — featuring Actilight and 3D Tornado Flush — and I’ll soon achieve Nirvana (because I’m lactose intolerant).
What a goddamn masterpiece. This is tiramisu. It has a mascarpone and cream mousse, coffee sponge, and whipped cream.
From the Dumpster
Lawson is serving up a protein monster with boiled eggs, chicken, and spicy tomato sauce. These protein-packed items are gross and getting out of hand! Stick with egg salad and lettuce/ham sandwiches, please.
That’s it for new item coverage this week.
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