Black Thunder Rumbles to FamilyMart

And corn sprinkles everywhere.

Summer is just around the corner. Since the conbini is agile, it doesn’t sell the same stuff throughout the year. Consumers won’t see rolling taquitos and aging hot dogs January through December. Instead, product development teams feverishly work 365 days a year to ensure customers can enjoy products suited to the season. As the rainy season of May nourishes the fields, promising a rich fall harvest, the arrival of early June brings a shift from hot noodles to cold noodles, guaranteeing refreshing conbini hauls throughout the summer.

In that spirit, FamilyMart is releasing a Black Thunder frappe. Black Thunder is the legendary chocolate confection studded with puffed rice known for its tasty dark chocolate flavor and rock bottom 35-yen price. 

The legend.

The Yuraku Confectionery Company developed Black Thunder in 1994. It didn’t take off until the mid-2000s when 7-11 began distributing it in Tokyo. The original 30-yen price tag put a bullseye on university students. It worked. Black Thunder is now ubiquitous. 

The company’s website is a masterpiece. The colors and layout guarantee an epileptic seizure. When you hover over text it shakes. Visitors unable to read kanji may wonder, “Is this a chocolate bar or vibrating dildo?” 

Black Thunder’s marketing pushes hard on its vaunted price. The Twitter account features a series of short clips analyzing what you can buy for 35 yen. Examples include: 

• 26 seconds of music

• 6.3mm of travel toward the international station

• 84g of rice 

The calculations look legit. In the case of music, if a 3:48 song costs 300 yen, then 35 yen gets you 26 seconds of music. I’m left wondering, would I rather have a fraction of a song or an entire Black Thunder? Similarly, I must ask, would I rather rocket 6.3mm toward outer space or enjoy a Black Thunder? 

The Black Thunder Flavor Array

Black Thunder’s merchandising team must be full of A players. They’ve evolved this single chocolate bite into an army of money-making products. Naturally, there are different flavors, such as melon and matcha. In 2022 alone they launched 38 variations. Then there are more innovative products like Black Thunder Toast! This is bread that comes with Black Thunder sauce spread onto it. The customer just needs to pop it in the toaster. Then there is swag like this Black Thunder hat. I can imagine Gen Z substituting this for their Carhartts. 

Black Thunder Toast

Most exciting is the partnership with Piyorin, a confectionery in Nagoya specializing in sweets shaped like baby chicks. Stop reading. Click on that link. The website will bring a tear to your eye and a smile to your face. These edible chicks are magnificent.

Just when you think they couldn’t get any better, check out the cross-section: 

Is it cute or gruesome?

The Black Thunder marketing team has turned a small bite of chocolate into a phenomenon as powerful as Raijin, the Japanese god of Thunder, from whom the Black Thunder brand takes its name.

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Item of the Week

Sticking with the summer theme, Ministop has released a new ice cream called Nagano Purple, which refers to the grape flavor. These aren’t just any grapes. These are Kyohou 巨峰. 巨 means “giant’ and 峰 means “peak”. Just look at these boys. 

A quick search on Rakuten demonstrates Nagano does not mess around with grapes. 6-10 bunches will set you back about $350. Doing some Black Thunder math, let’s assume an order has 8 bunches and each bunch has 25 grapes. That means each grape is $1.75.

The reviews suggest they’re worth it. 

Ministop has developed an edible spoon for this ice cream. Let’s hope this inspires a wave of edible utensils because I am getting tired of limp paper straws. I’d rather gain fifteen pounds eating cookie forks than feel paper dissolving on my tongue.

A word of caution with the work “kyohou”. I was once at a festival party celebrating with neighbors when someone asked, “Matt, do you like kyohou?” I responded, “Yes, I love kyonyuu.” At the time, I didn’t know the word “kyohou” but could tell it meant grape because he was pointing at them. Tragically, I misheard and thought he had said “kyonyuu”. Everyone began laughing hysterically. I repeated, “I love kyonyuu.” They laughed harder. I found out why later that evening when I looked up “kyonyuu” and saw it means “giant boobs.” I had announced to my neighbors that I love giant boobs. 

The kanji for kyonyuu are 巨乳 or “giant milk.”

From the Dumpster

Japan does weird things with corn. This abomination from FamilyMart combines two of those weird things: sprinkling kernels onto bread and mixing them with mayonnaise. It looks like a mass grave of rotten teeth.

The Portuguese likely introduced corn to Japan. They also introduced tempura. Corn tempura is spectacular – a glob of corn kernels lightly fried in a puffy, crispy cloud. They should have stopped there. Instead, we find kernels sprayed randomly like shrapnel ruining perfectly good pizza, bread, ramen, salad, and too much more.

Conbini Haiku

Kyohou grapes hang, ripe

Kyonyuu, soft, full delight

Both loved in moon's light.

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