FamilyMart Partners with an Ass Legend
And the conbini tries to kill us with sodium.
FamilyMart is dipping into ass play.
They’ve partnered with Enogashira 2:50, a comedian famous for shock-style performances. These days, he runs a relatively tame YouTube channel where he eats fast food and conbini items half-naked with taped nipples alongside four men in black leotards. Compared to his television appearances, it looks like Full House.
There are two flavors of chips: black pepper cheese and tantanmen. But who cares? An old, half-naked, bald man is screaming while Mighty Morphin BDSM Power Rangers look on.
Japanese culture is known for elegance, simplicity, and beauty. If you were to close your eyes and imagine Japan, you’re likely to conjure a tea ceremony, zen temple, or a perfect bite of sushi. All of that is real. But Japan also appreciates crude, whacky humor. Television is rife with mad skits and games, commonly featuring nudity, pain, and humiliation.
Enogashira 2:50 exemplifies this style of humor. He’s most famous for his butt work. One of his most impressive feats was blasting powder out of his anus nearly 14 feet. To prime his bottom, he first stuck a hose up his ass to pump air into it. A sidekick dressed in pink spandex lauded this as a master craftsman’s technique. The sidekick then aided him in injecting his ass with twelve syringes of white powder. At last, he bent down on all fours, peeled down his neon green tights, yelled like a WWII infantryman leading a banzai charge, and then erupted like Old Faithful. Two young women, the only dignified people on set, measured the blast at 422cm or 13’10”.
A still more impressive feat was the “anal hook.” Wearing nothing but a cloth diaper, he inserted a large hook up his ass, threw a band attached to the hook over his shoulder, fixed a basket to the band, then loaded the basket with bottles of water until he could no longer tolerate the pain radiating from his anus.
The same spandex-clad sidekick shouted at him to give up; an actual proctologist advised him to stop. He not only refused, he threatened to kill the doctor. After the final bottle was loaded into the basket, bringing its weight to 5kg, he demanded they add one more large bottle. The sidekick appeared genuinely concerned and looked to the producers to put an end to the madness. Enogashira 2:50 wouldn’t let that happen. With drool and tears spilling down his face, he threatened to shop for the bottle himself. The set finally caved and handed him a two-liter bottle of water, which he laid into the basket, bringing the total load to 14kg.
But there’s more to him than a powerful ass. In one TV stunt, he held his breath underwater for four minutes and fourteen seconds. Naturally, he wore just a loin cloth.
While his performances suggest pure lunacy, his Wikipedia page suggests he’s a gentleman. In fact, his female co-hosts say he’s nothing but polite! Now 58, who knows how much longer he’ll be able to shove hooks and powder up his ass. Well done, FamilyMart, to collaborate with the legend before his tank runs empty.
Item of the Week
FamilyMart has transformed the legendary UFO Yakisoba into a rice ball. You can now get 2.5 days’ worth of salt on the go. One bowl of UFO Yakisoba has 5.9 grams of sodium, while the daily recommended amount is 2.3 grams. Three bites of the stuff will get your heart racing faster than sitting in the passenger seat while Max Verstappen floors it in a Mustang Dark Horse. Legend has it that if you eat two in one day, your blood will spray straight out of your skull. I’ll take three.
From the Dumpster
7-11 is taking meat to new levels of abstraction. They’ve evolved Salad Chicken into the Chicken Bar. Pulverized into mush, mixed with stuff, and then extruded through heavy equipment, a somewhat recognizable breast has turned into a stick. Obviously, they’re conditioning us to enter the Matrix. Soon, we’ll all be wearing Apple Vision goggles, strapped down in some gooey pod, while Chicken Bars convey into our mouths. This is not the stuff of earth.
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