FamilyMart Releases a Landmine
And the Pizza Sando returns
FamilyMart has released a weapon of mass destruction. In collaboration with the Viva La Rock music festival, it’s developed a pink melon pan stuffed with spicy curry. Yield, warning, and stop signs ought to surround this item.
Japan newbs flock to melon pan like one-legged seagulls to stray McDonald’s french fries on a Yokohama sidewalk. No one knows exactly why. Does melon pan regularly appear in anime? Is it the toxic green color? We can only guess.
Undoubtedly, Japanophiles eager to christen their inaugural journey with a first communion of melon pan will expect something sweet. Instead, the sweet, pink crust will give way to a muddy wave of habanero curry. A mix of shock and revolt will overwhelm them sending them running back into the air-conditioned sanctuary of snacks, beseeching the conbini attendant for a milk tea, CC Lemon, or even a Coca Cola. Cleansed of that nasty mess their first clear thought will be regret: “I should have studied katakana on the plane.”
All expats have a story. I learned my lesson in a chain bakery. It was morning. I saw a row of delightful doughnuts, surely full of fruit jam or pastry cream. I never bothered to read the sign. What else belongs inside of a doughnut?
Beef curry.
A dirty diaper of mildly spiced beef curry poured into my mouth. My brain turned into the Windows Blue Screen of Death. Body frozen, mouth agape. This can’t be! What sort of monster would fill a pastry bag with beef curry and pipe it into a yeast doughnut?
Beware of this monster. That pink shell is not an invitation. It’s a glowing STOP sign telling you to back off.
What conbini snack has left you reeling? Share in the comments.
Item of the Week
FamilyMart is launching a waffle sandwich stuffed with whipped cream studded with chocolate chips. Is the diabetes worth it? Probably.
Imagine sinking your fingers into that soft waffle dough while you unhinge your jaw to take all that whipped cream. The item’s photo is perfect for Instagram, while a selfie following its consumption is better suited to OnlyFans.
From the Dumpster
The pizza sando is back at FamilyMart. It looks nothing like a sandwich and has nothing to do with pizza. It’s like a poor man’s hot pocket. And a hot pocket is a poor man’s pizza. I’ve heard you’re required to show evidence of a gaming chair, 5-gallon water jug full of Prime, and a handwritten poem to your anime girlfriend to buy one of these.
This is more confounding than the typical pizza sando because it’s the Pizza-Flavored Potato Chip Pizza Sando. FamilyMart has twice abstracted the flavor from the original pizza.
1st abstraction – pizza-flavored chips
2nd abstraction – pizza-flavored-chip-flavored sando
You need a relational database to understand it and a brain the size of a bumble bee to enjoy it.
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