Tears of Death
A Ministop Employee Gets Her Heart Ripped Open
Killer Conbini Judges
Thereโs a show on TBS Japan called ใธใงใใใฅใผใณ ๏ฝใขใ่ทๆฅญใฎใใใใถใฃใกใใใพใ, which may translate to something like โJob Tune: Secrets of the Pros Revealedโ.
On a recent episode they hosted two Ministop employees who are in product development. They each presented five items they had developed to seven accomplished pastry chefs. The judges could either score the item โpassโ or โfailโ. If four scored โpassโ then the developer was relieved of brutally frank criticism and bathed in praise. The items judged and their scores were:
Halo Halo Pineapple Parfait โ Pass
Belgian Chocolate Parfait โ Pass
Pure White Cheese Cake โ Fail
Premium Purple Sweet Potato Soft Serve Waffle Cone โ Pass
Matcha Sandwich Cookie โ Fail
Fruit Tart โ Fail
Melon Cream Bread โ Fail โ nearly unanimously
Pistachio Pudding - Pass โ nearly unanimously
Taiwanese Sweet Potato Parfait โ Pass unanimously
Castella Cake โ Pass
Between the two developers, one accounted for four of the fails including three in a row. The criticism brought her to tears several times. One chefโs interrogation of the Melon Cream Bread was tougher than Roger Stoneโs deposition. The Ministop developer was proud to share it contained Shizuoka crown melon until one of the judges pressed her, โHow much Shizuoka crown melon?โ
โUhhhโฆ.โ
โA lot, right?โ
โUhhhhโ *Sniffle* *Sniffle*
โA LOT, RIGHT?!โ
โUhmmmโฆ. 1%โ
*Silence*
It was the longest, coldest silence I had ever seen on television. They reacted as if she had just opened up their macaron display case and taken a dump in it. To them, I guess she might as well have.
And then there was the fruit tart. The same chef, who had just been reduced to trembling tears, was back on the hot seat. And again she was proud to share she had managed to serve a fresh fruit tart for 315yen. And again, they broke her down like a cherrywood log about to get tossed into the campfire.
โTell me, whatโs this gonna taste like on day 3? Will it taste the same as it did on day 1?โ
โWellโฆ not exactly.โ
โWhat do you mean โnot exactly?โ
โWellโฆthe tart crust may be a bit softer on day 3.โ
โYouโre goddamn right it will be!โ
I was waiting for Jack Nicholson to start screaming, โYou want me on that wall!โ
But because this is Japan her retort was not as dramatic. Instead, she thanked the judges for the vicious beating while choking on tears, โI am grateful to have failed so many times because itโs afforded me so much good feedback.โ
I hope she didnโt walk over any bridges on the way home.
Meanwhile, her colleague was not just passing he was getting his balls mopped up! The judges fell over themselves extolling the tastiness of the Taiwanese Sweet Potato Parfait. To be fair, this thing does look tremendous (see item of the week). The potato is even microwaved just before the store attendant tops it with soft serve. Dear lordโฆ. There was a long debate over the skin โ should he have included it? should only half of the potato chunks have had skin? should there have been no skin? Ultimately, they praised his genius for including the skin.
Now, I donโt want to raise the specter of sexism, butโฆall the judges were male. And aside from the Melon Cream Bread โ which did look gross โ everything else looked fine. And besides, 30% of customers are going to be chowing down on these things after one or two Strong Zeroes. So, what isnโt going to taste great?
You can watch the complete episode here: https://tver.jp/episodes/epim2hk62g. Youโll need a VPN whose server location you can set to Japan.
Coffee for Dessert
Lawson has partnered with classy coffee outlet Sarutahiko to launch three products. Sarutahiko has seven shops around Tokyo. They look beautiful. Unfortunately, their website looks like Super Mario Bros. had an orgy with Wordpress and a Rakuten storefront.
Their coffee is doubtlessly excellent. But Iโm more impressed with their innovation on the word โdecafโ breaking it into two words โde cafโ. I suspect weโll see this trend soon in the US tech space, as weโve tired of the trite names missing vowels. For instance, rather than โAmazonโ why not โAma Zonโ?
Back to those products! Were I in Japan Iโd be burning up asphalt like the Road Runner to get to these.
Arenโt they stunning? Coffee parfaits with some clever mix of jelly, whipped cream, custard, and various powders. If I could, Iโd order one up as large as a public onsen just so I could nestle my whole body in this perfection.
Item of the Week
My god. Remember, that potato is warm!
From the Dumpster
Lawson is testing the limits of a submarine roll with this whipped cream sando. As someone who is lactose intolerant, I shit myself just looking at this. Twice.
Lawson must bring more to the party than outrageous amounts of whipped cream. For instance, could they add a pouch of blueberry syrup to drizzle on top? Or at least a goddamn maraschino cherry?
How sad must life become before someone turns to this? Stuffing a roll full of cream and devouring it was an activity confined to lonely apartment kitchens โ a bottle of wine paired with direct-injected whipped cream to the face. And now Lawson has legitimized it a normal snack!
Outrageous.
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