The Chiki Wars Peak

And FamilyMart Serves Inbred Pizza

May 21, 2023

When Mike and I launched the Conbini Boys podcast in the spring of 2020, we included a segment called "Chiki Wars". It covered new boneless chicken items across the conbini. We never thought this could be a standing, weekly segment. We figured we'd get to talk about boneless chicken once or twice a month. We were so wrong.

We've released 108 podcast episodes. While we don't have an official count, I estimate fewer than ten have not included a Chiki Wars segment. Boneless fried chicken is a fiercely competitive and innovative product category in Japanese convenience stores. And we are all lucky for it because chiki is one of the best foods Japan has to offer.

The Chiki Wars have reached a fever pitch. In the last two weeks, the major conbini have launched eight new boneless chicken products. We covered FamilyMart's new product category - Korochikibou – in last week's newsletter. Let's take a look at what the others have on offer.

Lawson

In addition to the PokaPoka Spicy Chicken inspired by the Legend of Zelda, Lawson is launching the Wasabi Mayonnaise Karaagekun. But "launching" isn't quite the right word. According to the item's description, this was the first ever limited-edition flavor of karaagekun. Lawson has released a staggering 245 karaagekun flavors over the product's thirty-six year history.

This looks especially tantalizing because of the warning label in the top-right and tears streaming down Karaagekun's face. This must be very spicy.

Lawson wasn't done with two karaagekun flavors. It's also launching the Tanchiki, a broiled chicken that Lawson claims you can enjoy guilt-free because it's not breaded and fried. In fact, they're marketing this as a healthy, protein-rich option! Finally, we can spray hot grease all over our faces without feeling like fat losers.

7-11

The Karapeno may look boring. But it packs a punch.

The Japanese language is rife with puns. Wikipedia offers some excellent examples, such as:

布団が吹っ飛んだ - futton ga futtonda - the futon flew away
ニューヨークで入浴 - Nyuuyouku de nyuuyoku - bathing in New York

Building on this tradition, 7-11 has launched the Karapeño Chiki. "Kara" (辛) means spicy and serves as a clever play on "jalapeño". While you enjoy this spicy chiki's hot gush you can smugly smile at getting your first Japanese pun.

Ministop

Not to be outdone, Ministop is releasing two new boneless chicken items. The first is thin-crusted karaage. Undoubtedly, conbini bulk up their karaage with batter to make them appear larger. But once you bite in you realize it's more flour than chicken. It's like cheap ice cream manufacturers who fill their tubs with air instead of cream. Ministop is going more Häagen Dazs and less Breyers. And if the marketing photos are anything like the real thing, we should all go in for two scoops.

In the grand scheme of Japan's boneless fried chicken scene, karaage is pretty ho-hum. In contrast, Ministop is also launching the snazzy Plum-flavor Sasami Shiso Maki. "Sasami" means thinly sliced skinless chicken breast and "maki" means roll. The layers are stunning. White chicken meat envelops chunks of pickled plum; a single green shiso wraps the chicken; and a layer of fried goodness packages the whole bite. Something tells me they timed this for the G7 summit because this is classy chiki.

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Item of the Week

At some point, every expat in Japan realizes they have massacred about two million tiny fish called shirasu. These are baby fish, typically sardines or anchovies. For over a year, I thought they were some sort of bizarrely shaped seasoning occasionally sprinkled on top of rice. I neither liked nor disliked them. They have hardly any flavor. If anything, they add a nice bite to the soft rice.

Then one day, as I looked at my bowl of rice, I saw eyes looking back at me. Many eyes. Like hundreds of eyes.

My god! These are fish! I've been ingesting thousands - maybe millions! - of baby fish.

Like so many dining experiences in Japan, I was overcome with horror. And then I quickly got on with devouring the remaining babies while grimacing through an "Oishii" ("delicious!") aimed at my colleagues eagerly awaiting my reaction.

This is what happens when you inbreed pizza.

From the Dumpster

Let's go on a journey.

FamilyMart is releasing a bread made to look and taste like pizza-flavored potato chips. In other words, they're launching a pizza-flavored-potato-chip-flavored pizza.

Take a breath. Stick with me. We're going to walk through this together.

Pizza-flavored potato chips are a popular and delicious pizza abstraction. They are especially good with Coca Cola.

This new bread is an abstraction of the pizza chip. So, FamilyMart has twice abstracted pizza. But it's birthed the second abstraction as the original inspiration - pizza. It's come full circle.

This is inbred pizza.

Parents, brothers, and cousin pizzas started getting it on. And FamilyMart wound up with pizza-flavored-potato-chip-flavored pizza. There are good reasons for the laws prohibiting inbreeding, namely the higher probability of genetic defects. The pizza-flavored-potato-chip-flavored pizza has no shortage. For instance, this "pizza" is stuffed with "cheese cream" (not to be confused with cream cheese). It is an abomination hardly resembling its beautiful pizza grandparent.

Pizza, Pizza Chip, Pizza-flavored-potato-chip-flavored Pizza

What could justify this item's creation? I suspect it's the immense pressure on the product development team. Every single week they must launch dozens of new items in a hugely complex environment. With over 15,500 FamilyMart's across Japan, launching a new product is not as easy as dreaming up a new flavor. The team must orchestrate scaled production and distribution while maintaining quality. Inevitably, they wind up wringing out every last drop of potential from the proven platform of flatbread, seasoning, sauce, and cheese. It could be a double-barrel wiener tortilla, an Indian nan, a faux-pizza, or an abstraction of pizza-flavored pizza chips.

Awake at 3 AM, eyelids stapled open by Lipovitan D, blood boiling from the pressure of another three dozen items that must get out the door and into 15,000 stores by next week - of course, pizza chips reborn as pizza makes sense!