The Magic of Japanese Toilets
And Ministop gets Crunky
Japanese toilets are magnificent.
The top-of-the-line Toto Neorest has a heated toilet seat with adjustable temperature controls, a deodorizer, a night light, an air dryer, a bidet that could power wash concrete, and "tornado flush" technology. The user can control all this via a sleek, stainless steel wall-mounted control panel.
The Neorest is the Rolls Royce of toilets. You see them only in classy places. But when you find one, you remember its location so you can easily go back for more.
My favorite bathroom in all of Japan is in Nizami Coffee, a café in Suzu, Ishikawa. A pair of sisters run the shop. One studied coffee roasting in Tokyo and the other is a talented baker. When I lived in the Noto, I'd make the 45-minute drive in my Daihatsu Mira twice a week. You think you're in heaven after a bite of cloud-light cake and a sip of perfect coffee.
Then, you step into the bathroom. It is a temple to peeing and pooping.
After closing the heavy, sliding door, silence and white walls envelop you. Take a step toward the toilet and it welcomes you by automatically lifting its lid. A blue light glimmers around the bowl, beckoning you to sit.
Most seek enlightenment under a lonely tree or Zen temple. I found it atop a Neorest 3000 at Nizami Coffee.
Toto markets these toilets as if they were a path to nirvana. Just look at some of their photos. Would you rather go on a yoga retreat to Kripalu or a shitting retreat to Toto's showroom?
Returning to America from Japan is startling for all kinds of reasons. Near the top of the list is adjusting to America's relatively primitive toilets. As my father said after experiencing the Neorest, "It's like going from horse and buggy to the Space Shuttle."
While Toto sells these toilets in America, I've never seen one. I don't think Americans are prepared for the leap. The suite of comfort and technology is simply too weird. As Arthur C. Clarke put it, "Any sufficiently advanced technology is perceived as magic." Americans are just not ready to ride the Space Shuttle. They'd return the auto-lift lid's greeting with trembling steps. "What's this thing going to do to me? Does it take the shit for me?" The mystery is too great. So, America is left with cold, hard porcelain and nothing but toilet paper to mop up the mess.
Toto should release an entry-level model with just one killer feature: the heated seat. Once your buttcheeks have kissed the warm embrace of a hot seat in winter, there is no going back. Sitting on ice-cold ceramic feels barbaric. And that's because it is! Turn the dial from one to ten to find your perfect temperature. Do you like something that just takes the chill off? Or are you looking to lay down some grill marks?
Americans love convenience. Cars now come standard with heated steering wheels, seats that can warm up and cool down, and cupholders that can keep drinks hot or cold. There is no excuse for our tolerance of an icy toilet seat's cruel shock.
But Japan's toilet scene is not all glitz and glamour. Next to a Neorest, you may find a squat toilet. This is little more than a hole in the ground framed by a ceramic basin.
The user must peel their trousers and undies around their ankles, then squat until their bottom hovers a few inches above the basin's rim. It's said this is the most natural and healthy way to shit. The position straightens and aligns the rectum to the colon, allowing for more complete elimination with less force.
I appreciate it reduces your risk for hemorrhoids and a prolapsed anus, but if you've settled in for a long haul, it can start to feel like an episode of Fear Factor. Lactic acid pipes through your thighs, your brow glistens in sweat, and your breath halts due to the wretched odor billowing up from under your ass. That first whiff of poo sitting dry on pottery answers the question, "Why is there always water in the toilet bowl?" It's to seize the stench.
Two minutes pass. Are you going to fall back into a pile of your own mess? Or are you going to polish off one more turd while agony rips through your quaking thighs?
If the Neorest is where you find enlightenment, then the squat toilet is where you find what you're made of.
Walking into a stall, you never know what will greet you: an auto-lifting toilet seat or a hole in the ground. This is true even on trains. The Shinkansen is completely Westernized. But local trains are a mixed bag. You may need to squat while rolling through the countryside at 50mph. Suddenly, your thighs are working overtime to stay upright while trying to hit a moving target. Some foreigners call it "toilet surfing."
Fortunately, the vast majority of conbini use Western toilets. While not Neorest-level, they always have a heated sit and often a bidet. Most importantly, they are always clean. If you're ever out and need a bathroom, it's no trouble. Just pop into a Lawson and head to the back. There is never a special lock relieving you of having to tell a clerk that you're seconds away from shitting your pants, cloaking the urgency in the question, "What's the code to the bathroom?"
Once you've wrapped up, grab a Pocari Sweat to recover some electrolytes. Then, head back into the world fresh as a daisy.
Items of the Week
Ministop has released consommé-flavor Crunky Chicken. The “crunkiness” comes from crispy potato bits fried onto the chicken nuggets. Your skull is sure to rattle with every bite.
Consommé is a popular potato chip flavor. It just means extra salty. Be sure to monitor your blood pressure after eating these nuggets. Three servings may put you at risk of hypertension.
Don’t worry. It’s totally worth it.
From the Dumpster
New Days has cobbled together a chorizo and egg doughnut. There’s no way that wrinkled wiener is authentic chorizo. I’ve seen more spice in a Dutch pantry. Meanwhile, no doughnut should be filled with hot dogs and eggs. Cream, curd, and jelly belong inside a doughnut.
The product development team must have had orders from the boss to get rid of the expiring inventory. It would explain the saggy sausage and unconventional combination. A twenty-something must have gone through the at-risk-of-expiration section of the warehouse and pulled this together in a flurry so he could catch the last train home.
Conbini Haiku
Japanese toilets
Hot seat, power wash, air dry
My enlightenment
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Toto versus squat: the sublime versus the ridiculous, especially in winter!
Funny read!
Absolute poetry. Thanks guys.