Lawson Catches Fire
And 7-11 tries to kill everyone.
Lawson is on a hot streak. Like Michael Jordan sinking six three-pointers in the 1992 playoffs, there’s no good explanation for it. But greatness requires no explanation. Just sit back and enjoy it.
In the last two weeks, Lawson has released a slew of items, any one of which would draw a queue at a mom-and-pop shop with a competent TikiTok account.
Just take a look at this fried carbonara. That’s right – fried carbonara. Keep in mind that carbonara made properly is cheese, egg yolks, bacon, and bacon fat. I doubt Chef Luigi is overseeing production in Lawson’s commissary. Culinary sins surely abound. But I’m willing to stray from Italian heritage to enjoy a handheld carbonara. In fact, were I on the product development team, I’d toss in a side of marinara to conjure the spirit of mozzarella sticks.
Against all odds, a serving has just 206 calories. Assuming a 2000 calorie/day diet and three fried handheld carbonara in a serving, one could enjoy nearly 30 before feeling like a fat slob. I can’t say for certain I have the facts. The image on Lawson’s website shows three. But the nutrition information offers no serving size. Perhaps it’s just one fried handheld carbonara per serving! “The horror! The horror!”
Lawson is smartly getting into the croissants-shaped-like-shapes game. Instagram (and probably TikTok) are rife with pastry chefs molding the laminated dough into anything but traditional crescents. A bakery in Newton, Massachusetts has drawn crowds with nothing but cylinders and boxes. According to the Boston Globe, the company lures customers with Instagram Reels of sexy pastry. The customers are motivated both by the desire to taste the pastry and by the urge to share the experience with their followers. It’s like a social media circle jerk that’s reached the singularity. No brain cell is allowed to escape its dumbness.
Lawson has cloned the cylinder croissant and even stuffed it with chocolate pastry cream. The 192 yen price tag must be the lowest on the market. So, go to Lawson. Avoid a queue. Stuff your piehole with goodness. And don’t tell anyone about it.
Pancakes stuffed with margarine and maple syrup are overlooked treasures in Japan’s culinary scene. Lawson is serving them two ways: 1) traditional; 2) taco-style. Like the fried carbonara, the pancake sandwich transforms a meal that requires a fork and knife into something one can eat on the go. Too busy to sit down to eat premade pancakes? No problem. Just peel off the plastic and stuff that fluff inside your skull. The taco-style pancake substitutes red bean paste for maple syrup. Have no fear. The Japanese pour so much sugar into those red beans they test for you diabetes beyond a second serving.
Item of the Week
Several newsletters ago we featured Happy Turn, the inventor of individually wrapped rice crackers. Unsatisfied with only environmental destruction, they’ve turned their sights on health. Meet the “Immoral” Back Fat Garlic flavored rice crackers. Yes, they included the word “Immoral” in the title. Judging by the packaging, the flavor is inspired by Jiro-style ramen, which commonly piles pork back fat and raw garlic onto its noodles. It’s a dining experience fit for a slob riding a Neorest 3000.
These rice crackers are dusted with the essence of pork fat and garlic. Grab two six packs of Green Label, turn on Netflix, and watch the world go dark as you crunch away life’s miseries.
From the Dumpster
I can’t spend an entire newsletter lapping up Lawson. Behold the Butter Soy Sauce Seafood Karaagekun. Read that slowly or your brain might implode. How many contrasting flavors can Lawson pack into a chicken nugget?
Unsurprisingly, this was not the invention of Lawson’s expert product development team. Instead, television and music celebrity Tomio Umezawa dreamt this up. That’s him on the cover next to karaagekun. I reckon the brainstorming session started after three Strong Zeroes and a bottle of sake.
Conbini Haiku
Ate Jiro-ramen
Stomach rumbles, fart escapes
Neorest save me
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