Lawson Takes a Trip to Hyrule
And FamilyMart makes gross onigiri.
On May 12, Nintendo will release the Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom. To celebrate Lawson is launching four Zelda-themed products: Goron Dry Curry Onigiri, Poka Poka Karaage-kun, Monster Meat Curry Pan, and Max Truffle Focaccia. Each connects to the game either through characters or food Link must eat to survive.
I buy every Legend of Zelda game because IGN critics give them 10/10. I shouldn’t trust men who spend their days surrounded by action figures, etching their asses into gaming chairs, and sipping Monster energy drinks. But I do.
I never enjoy the game. Trying to rescue that princess drives me mad. The puzzles are just too hard. I spend hours trying to solve them. But I’m not clever enough.
Inevitably, I encounter one I cannot solve. After two hours searching for that goddamn key to unlock that dumb fucking door I start to lose my mind. I begin leaping directly into walls thinking a panel will give way to a secret passage; I try climbing impossibly steep ledges only to have my soul crushed by Link’s frantic glitching as he slides back down. In a moment of clarity I think, “Why would a game designer require players to jump through random walls?” But it’s fleeting thought. And I hurl Link into another wall.
Then, I think I’ve got it! I need to get across that chasm! That enormous gap between two points that is clearly too wide to jump across – I need to jump across it!
I set Link back, giving him room to reach full speed (even though he instantly reaches full speed upon hitting L3). Sweat beads on my hands. I swivel my thumb on the joystick to check if the friction is good. I haven’t blinked in three hours. My wife is stirring in bed nearly awake. I’ve only minutes before she’s up, saying “Good morning” to her loser husband sitting four feet from the 54” TV playing the Legend of Zelda. Her morning routine of reading a book while sipping a latte just moments away. The nerve she has to read a book while I play video games! She does this to make me feel like a contemptible moron. I must focus! I push L3 so hard the blood leaves my thumb. Racing toward the ledge my breath halts. I leap! I get halfway across before Link falls to his death. I try fifteen more times. Anger gives way to despair. At last, I quit.
I look behind me. My wife is up, reading a book. I’m still wearing my gaming headset.
I remember spending hours trying to hike up a volcano - aptly named “Death Mountain – only to watch my hearts rapidly deplete from the brutal heat. I tried again and again thinking if I could just move fast enough, I could reach the temple’s door before dying. I wasted hours. At my wit’s end I Googled “How the goddamn fuck do you get into this shitass mother fckving [sic] temple on this piece of shit volcano?” A walkthrough explained I needed a special tunic to protect me from the heat.
Oh! I needed a tunic! Of course. I just had to go to the mall! Or place an order on Bonobos.com! What a relief!
No. It wouldn’t be that easy. Because to get the tunic, I needed to befriend the Gorons – a fabulously stupid species – by defeating some monster terrorizing their inconsequential village. And that required wandering through another impossibly challenging puzzle in search of some goddamn key! And again, I’d find myself jumping into walls, trying to climb impossibly steep inclines, and hurling myself into chasms. I was driven to madness!
When I was in high school, I paid a neighbor $20 to beat the Ocarina of Time’s Water Temple. I had given up for months. I couldn’t do it. And I would never be able to do it. It was some of the best money I’ve ever spent.
I’m 36. I don’t need this nonsense. I won’t let the twenty-something IGN reviewer persuade me to buy this game with his 10/10 review. I won’t spend hours wandering through temples in search of keys.
But that fuse mechanic does look pretty sweet….
Item of the Week
I hate to be crude, but I want to motorboat this thing. I want to stuff my face in that heaping mound of cheese cream (not cream cheese!) and roll around in that strawberry sauce until I’m dazed and confused. This is an absolute masterpiece from Lawson.
From the Dumpster
FamilyMart is launching a series of inverted onigiri. Rather than stuffing the rice with savory filling, they’ve painted it on the outside. It sounds messy. But at least it will help foreigners who can’t read Japanese, and therefore, have no idea what they’re biting into.
The Corn Mayonnaise Sushi onigiri looks like a heavy smoker’s teeth pulled from their skull during their last wheezing moments, combined with a nasty mix of mayo and rice. And why is “sushi” in the title? FamilyMart does not indicate there is vinegar in the rice. And corn has nothing to do with sushi.
Japan’s use of corn can be baffling. They commonly sprinkle it onto pizza and serve tiny piles in bento. The Portuguese introduced it to Japan in 1579.1 The Japanese originally called it nanban morokoshi, which roughly translates to savage’s sorghum. Nanban, means “savage” or “barbarian”. The term was commonly used to reference anything with European influence. It was a fitting description considering the difference in sanitation habits.
I suggest changing this onigiri’s name to Nanban Corn.
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Makiko Itoh "Japan's Historic Love of Corn," The Japan Times, August 19, 2014, https://www.japantimes.co.jp/life/2014/08/19/food/japans-historic-love-corn/.
Can we say Lawson made a lawless... food item, considering your reaction to it? :D