ASMR at the Conbini

And New Days releases a weapon of mass destruction.

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featuring the Conbini Boys Newsletter, we have gained hundreds of new subscribers! We welcome all of you with a hearty, “Irasshaimase!”¹

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7-11 is releasing a spectacular series of gummies: corn, watermelon, and baby milk bottle. The combination of realism and kawaii-ness makes them irresistible. They’re also individually packaged in hard plastic. Even for the conbini, which doles out plastic like a drunken Santa Claus riding a coal-rolling sled, this is a new level of waste. 

Was this grown in a field or chemically made in an injection mold?

The corn gummy has a dimpled pattern reminiscent of kernels. Rather than biting into it, I’d be tempted to pinch either end and whittle away kernel by kernel with my front teeth, a-la Tom Hanks in Big. But this gummy is no ordinary gummy. Japan is fond of extra chewy candy. In fact, conbini carry a brand called “Tough Gummy.” And these do not mess around. When you bite down your teeth are met with fierce resistance. You must conjure the spirit of the Giga Press hammering down with 55,000 tons of force until your molars mash the sweet rubber into mush. It’s rewarding and tasty. The corn gummy looks particularly tough. I suspect Goodyear and Perelli use the same materials when manufacturing tires for track cars. Just look at this thing: 

That’s one tough gummy.

Once your teeth break through, the corn gummy rewards you with a geleé. This is some sort of ooze that must double the sweetness. 

YouTubers abound documenting ways to eat it, including as soup. 

The look of summer.

The watermelon gummy is the most appealing. After all, who wants to eat gummy corn? And purchase of the baby milk bottle should come with a psychological exam. 

This video of an adorable child reviewing the watermelon reveals the plastic shell serves a purpose: it overlays the watermelon pattern onto the gummy. The child also bites into the plastic to crack it open! But not before dutifully cleaning it with a sanitary wipe. Yes, Japanese kids are better than your kids. Inviting small children to crack open the hardshell case appears to be a product feature. I guess Japan has few concerns about choking hazards. An American parent would get a visit from Child Protective Services by allowing access to this death trap.

See a doctor before purchasing.

Onto the main event: the baby milk bottle. This thing is troubling. First, it has a gargantuan nipple. Second, it’s painted with a smiling baby face. But this merely scratches the surface. 

The baby milk bottle stars in an unsettling number of ASMR YouTube videos. ASMR stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. Apparently, some people find relaxation or – god help me – pleasure in listening to people chewing food and brushing things. Performers are even called ASMRtists. 

After three shots of bourbon and a bong rip I worked up the courage to type “コンビニ ASMR” (“Conbini ASMR”) into YouTube. The sub-genre is so popular that the first auto-complete suggestion is “コンビニ ASMR”. There is even an ASMRtist who has dubbed the conbini “ASMaRt”. If you click the video (and you shouldn’t), you’ll see a young man set in a conbini that sells only cigarettes and nikuman whispering a nonsensical conversation with a customer, who is also played by the ASMRtist. The video has 321,000 views. Of course, there are normal (and I use that term generously) ASMR videos where people eat enormous conbini hauls while accentuating the chewing and swallowing. 

The end is near.

I won’t pretend to understand this phenomenon. The closest I’ve ever come to an ASMR experience was a night I got too high and had to crawl into bed because the sound of my wife slurping noodles felt like snakes crawling into my spine. It was a nightmare. 

ASMRtist Shinako has racked up 1.5 million views of her devouring the baby milk bottle gummy. It’s 27 minutes of hypersonic chewing, mushing, and swallowing. If that wasn’t disturbing enough, one of the video’s hashtags is #soundfetish. 

But the most amazing part of this is not the video. It’s the video’s description, which is one big SHEIN advertisement. If you’re over 25 you probably haven’t heard of SHEIN. It’s a Chinese clothing retailer and the largest in the world – bigger than Zara, Gap, and Uniqlo. I occasionally conduct my own little anthropological studies of Gen Z by speaking with younger co-workers. Several months ago one told me about SHEIN and their marketing methods. They partner with influencers on TikTok and Instagram, who show off their wares in #SHEINHAULs, whereby young women buy literal trash bags full of clothing and model them. The stuff is so cheap customers can buy a dozen things and not sniff $100 at checkout. I surmise SHEIN keeps costs down by managing their factories somewhere between a Southern plantation and King Leopold’s Congo.

The company releases thousands of new styles a day, markets on social media, sells the stuff for nothing, young adults and teenagers wear it once or twice, throw it away, then the cycle repeats until SHEIN’s pocketed $30 billion – it’s 2022 revenue. It’s a markedly different marketing strategy than Gap selling khakis with models dancing to swing music.

After three minutes of chewing and sucking on the milk baby bottle, Shinako interrupts her performance to model the SHEIN outfits linked in the video description. Because nothing makes me want to shop for skirts like 27 minutes of an infantilized woman sucking on a gummy baby bottle. 

That whole rack costs $6.

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Conbini Sidebar

While researching for this newsletter, I discovered SHEIN sells pet wares, including helmets for chickens. They’re just $2 and come in many stylish patterns. Incredibly, they have over 100 reviews.

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Item of the Week

Thanks to climate change, it’s a billion degrees outside. The oppressive heat shouldn’t stop you from enjoying a bowl of ramen. But a simmering bowl of pork fat doesn’t hit the spot when sweat is pouring down your asscrack like Victoria Falls. Luckily, the conbini has you covered! 

Lawson is releasing a cold, salt-based ramen seasoned with yuzu citrus. Salt ramen is the lightest type compared to its siblings: pork bone, soy sauce, and miso. Coupled with the bright yuzu and generous variety of julienned vegetables, this cold ramen is just the thing to beat the heat.

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From the Dumpster

New Days has been pushing the limits of onigiri with its Sugo-oni (Amazing Onigiri) series for months. It’s resulted in countless abominations. It seems they have started using the same tactics on sandwiches. 

In partnership with a restaurant called Goshimaken, which specializes in Western cuisine, New Days has crammed several of its menu items into one sandwich: a hamburg pattie, a pumpkin croquette, neapolitan pasta, and a soft turd that is actually a fried shrimp. 

I know marijuana is illegal in Japan. But New Days has clearly found a way around the law. The product development must have fishbowled all morning to dream this up. 

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Conbini Haiku

Whispered melodies

ASMR conbini

Juicy, greasy gush

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1. Irasshaimase means “Welcome” in Japanese. Restaurant and retail workers commonly yell it when a customer enters.